I've been carrying a lot of weight around lately... I'm not really sure what to tell or who to tell. Things haven't exactly been easy for me, and I guess it started during the fall semester at UVU last year. The semester started off great! I was excited about my new classes and the major that I'd decided on, I had a great job that I enjoyed, my brother was
finally home from his mission, and I was absolutely
loving my callings in my singles ward. It seemed like life was an easy ride. That should have probably been my first hint that it wasn't going to last much longer.
I guess I had better start explaining what I mean. There were many things that I was going through at the time.
I bought a car. A silver 2004 Honda Civic Coupe. Her name is Cadis and I love her to death. The only trouble is that I don't handle being in debt very well haha. The payments weren't a problem, but having such a huge commitment weighed on my shoulders a bit. I switched jobs to one that was closer to home and school, and the first bit of that was a bit stressful, waiting for the paycheck and everything. That passed soon enough and my love for Cadis grew even deeper :D
I decided that I needed to start weening myself off of my antidepressants. The pill that I had been one wasn't habit-forming, but your body gets used to having certain drugs in it. It's often recommended that you go to see a therapist while you wean yourself off of medications dealing with depression, so I decided that that's something that I should look into. I started cutting down on dosage and going to see a therapist once a week. I'd been to therapy before during my sophomore year of high school, so it wasn't anything new. Therapy is really really helpful when you're willing to listen to the therapist and actually give an honest effort to make a change in your life. But there's still the sense of being broken that creeps up in the back of my mind whenever I thought about it. It just a weird feeling to know that you have to go see a therapist because you can't take care or yourself. I hated the feeling, but loved the process of getting off my meds.
I had a boyfriend. I'm not really sure why. I knew I didn't love him, and I knew that I didn't want to marry him. I didn't really know why I was dating him seriously. Maybe I just wasn't ready to have a boyfriend yet. I was with him for all the wrong reasons... I'd never really had boyfriends in high school. Every time I'd tried the whole "boyfriend" thing I ended up hurt, broken, and sad. After high school I decided that I should give it another shot. After all, guys after high school are supposed to be more mature, right? I figured that I wouldn't get hurt, but in the end, it was me that hurt him. I could tell that we weren't right for each other and it was stressing me out more and more each day. Just the little things all seemed wrong, so I decided to break it off. I knew I'd hurt him, and knowing that hurt me. I cried many times for so long...
Wes got engaged. Don't get me wrong, I love Natalie to death and she fits right in with our family! I felt that I just got him back and now I was losing him again. It was hard for my best friend to suddenly be back at home, but to not really be there. I wanted to talk to him and be with him, but he was ready to move into the next phase of his life. He's there now, and loving it. I still miss him, but I'm so happy for him, and I get to see him and Natalie a lot. I wouldn't have it any other way. My mom and I got to plan the reception that was going to be in Utah, my mom got really stressed with all of that, and seeing her stressed made me stressed.
Stephen came...and left. I'm not really sure why I was attracted to Stephen so much... The Whiteheads moved into my home ward and live right up the street from my family. Ever since I met him, I felt this weird connection. Like there was some sort of relationship there before we even knew each other. Wes and I bacame good friends with him right away. Stephen had been recently struggling with drugs and had a pile of papers of court orders and bills that he needed to attend to, a process that would have most likely taken years to sort out. He was working so hard to straighten out his life and rebuild relationships with his family. Stephen and I began to hang out more and more and I started to really, really like him. I liked how he smiled when he talked about stupid things that he used to do. I liked how much he liked to tease his siblings and make jokes. I like how his eyes lit up when he felt the spirit or played his guitar and sang. I liked his odd fascination with penguins. And vampires.
Even since I was really young I've had this weird obsession with vampires. We talked about them a lot. We went and saw the Twilight movie together, though he had never read that books. He thought the idea was cool, but neither of us really enjoyed the movie too much. It made for much laughter, though, and I loved hearing him laugh. Twilight has always meant something different to me since then. I didn't give him a hug after our date that night. I always thought that was weird since I always give the guy a hug after a date. I think in this case, however, it was for the better.
Stephen killed himself December 4th on a bright Thursday morning. No one saw it coming. He was so determined to make good and repair the broken fragments of his life. He had such amazing talent and potential. It's hard to see such an amazing person be so strained, to the point that Stephen was. Since then, our families have been even closer. For some reason, I get the strange feeling that I knew Stephen before we came to our Earth lives. I know that I came into his life for a reason, and him into mine. I'm not sure why someone I knew for such a short time had such a great impact on my life, but it's not really for us to know why things like this happen. I do know however, that it happened for a reason. If I had hugged Stephen that night, I know that it would have been harder to say goodbye.
After all of this, my grades were struggling. I had a scholarship, and a high GPA standard to maintain in order to keep that scholarship. I knew that if I lost it, I wouldn't be able to pay for school any more. Through all the stress and all the tears, I had to push myself hard to keep up with the schoolwork that was beginning to pile up for the end of the term. Life was getting hard. My head was always swimming and my eyes were always a bit more moist than I was used to. I didn't feel like being around people. They couldn't understand what I was going through, what I was thinking, or how I was feeling. I felt bad for not keeping in contact with some people during this part of my life. None of them tried to keep up with me either, as our lives became more full and distant. With so much going on, it's easy to see how hard it had become to remember who I was and the things that I used to enjoy doing. Life had been shown to me as something fragile that most people take for granted. I spent more time with my family and the scriptures. I can't explain to anyone out there why I am the way I am. I do know that I went through all of this at once for a reason. Maybe I needed a distraction from something. Maybe I needed the experience. No matter the reason, I'm glad for the changes that I have made in my life, and I am glad for the person I am now.
Into the spring semester, I still had moments of pain, longing, and sadness. Wes got married, I lost my scholarship, I had new classes and stressors in my life, but life was good. It's hard to go through so much all at once, but I know that it has made me a stronger person with more confidence in the things that I can handle. No one can tell where our lives are headed, but in the meantime, I'm fine going through it, weeding my way through the hard times, waiting for the great things that Heavenly Father has in store for me. This life is truely a precious one that we need to make the most of while we can.
Tim Burton is coming out with a new movie!!!
